Rediscovering sexual desire and eroticism with Esther Perel

Few people offer greater insight, sensitivity, and expertise on human relationships and sexuality than Esther Perel.

Born and raised in Belgium, Perel’s studies took her from Hebrew University in Jerusalem, to the United States where she built a career in couples and family therapy. Today, she is internationally acclaimed for her profound insights into eroticism and intimacy. She’s an author and the host of the popular podcast “Where Should We Begin?” 

The exploration of human sexual desire is as complex as it sounds. Our ideas of intimacy are varied and sex today can be measurable and perfunctory. “[It’s] often seen as an act, something you do,” says Perel. “How often do you do it? How many? How hard, how long? How frequent?” 

But desire and the erotic is a quality of aliveness and vitality, distinct from sexuality. “You don't measure eroticism,” Perel continues. “It's a quality of experience, but you know when you feel it.” 

Eroticism is: “Sexuality transformed by the human imagination. It's infinite. It's surrounded by ritual, by celebration, and it's often transgressive. It's often lured by the forbidden. A lot of it is actually in our head and between our ears… not necessarily between our legs.”

Perel tells us that the key ingredients are “curiosity, playfulness, mystery, imagination” … “the forbidden elicits curiosity, and the curiosity activates the imagination.” 

Perel argues that we need to do more than just recognize and celebrate this as a wonderful part of who we are. “[Our] core emotional needs are expressed in the coded language of sexuality. Sex is never just something you do. Sex is a place you go.” 

Esther Perel’s latest project, which she calls her “Desire Bundle,” features two online courses: Bringing Desire Back and Playing with Desire. They launch later this September.

Esther Perel’s An Evening With Esther Perel: The Future of Relationships, Love & Desire is currently on tour. See her live at the YouTube Theater in Los Angeles on September 10th. More info here.

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KCRW's Life Examined is a one-hour weekly show exploring science, philosophy, faith — and finding meaning in the modern world. The show is hosted by Jonathan Bastian. Please tune in Sundays at 9 a.m., or find it as a podcast.