Life Examined

Jonathan Bastian talks with travel writer, podcaster, and vagabond Rolf Potts about the merits of travel. Potts is the author of several travel books,  including Vagabonding and Marco Polo Didn't Go There. In his latest book, The Vagabond’s Way: 366 Meditations on Wanderlust, Discovery, and the Art of Travel, Potts explains why travel is good for us and how the unexpected part in a journey can change us for the better.  

“The best gift to travel is just allowing yourself to be surprised,” says Potts. “Stumbling into serendipity, having a bad time, and realizing that it's not as bad as you thought it would be. We forget how easy it is to adapt, how helpful people are, and how we can figure it out and have a great time doing it.”

“One of the gifts of travel is to sort of blow those habits open and be vulnerable and almost childlike in your relationship to the world again,” says world traveler Rolf Potts. Photo by Fritz Liedtke. In “The Vagabond’s Way: 366 Meditations on Wanderlust, Discovery, and the Art of Travel,” author Rolf Potts encourages you to sustain the mindset of a journey, even when you aren't able to travel, and affirms that travel is as much a way of being as it is an act of movement.

Today, technology, cheap flights, and bucket-list trips have made travel easier, more affordable, and somewhat predictable. Potts says that’s also limited our options and possibilities as travelers. 

“We're all in lockstep, following our phone, looking at a screen as a window into a place that we've traveled so far to come to, instead of just sort of following our nose or following our eyes or following our ears,” he says.  

When it comes to modes of transportation, Potts shares his tips on exotic ways to travel without becoming overly dependent on flights. 

“Train culture around the world is really fun to experience and it doesn't have as many emissions,” he suggests. “Stay on the sea over land and go those hardships, don't fast-forward your way through the world with a bunch of flights — slow down a little bit.”

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After 30 years of experience counseling couples, therapist Terry Real reflects on what makes building a long-term relationship difficult and the skills needed to keep a partnership intact. Reals says that even with changing dynamics and non-traditional partnerships, the age-old problems still exist.

“Despite all of the gender fluidity and all of the experimentation, a two-person paired-for-life, monogamous core, is still alive and well and extremely difficult.”

The pressure is on to find that “perfect” someone, yet, despite the romantic “idealization” of coupledom, promoted by a booming dating and marriage industry, the reality is that most couples won’t last a decade together, much less a lifetime. The US Census Bureau reports that most marriages last on average 8 years. Real says the odds in the U.S. are that roughly 50% of all marriages will end in divorce -  “the failure rate on marriage has hovered at about 40-50% for half a century.”

The reason, Real explains, is that “we want to be lifelong lovers; we want long walks on the beach, we want heart-to-heart talks, great sex in our 60s and 70s but we don't have the skills to match this new ambition. We are trying to be lifelong lovers in a culture that does not cherish relationships.” We live in a society, Real argues, that asserts individualism. “We don't teach our sons and daughters and non-binary kids how to fight fair, how to stand up for yourself in a loving way. We don't teach the basic skills of relationships in this culture because we don't value it.”

So what are the chances a couple has to beat the odds?  What’s the key to staying together? According to Real, it’s “hard work” and “it’s very rare that people have the discipline.” Relationship skills need to be learned and practiced. Real suggests that “basic relationship skills [be] taught in elementary and junior high.”

Real, who’s also the founder of the Relationship Life Institute and author of numerous books including most recently Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, talks specifically about the impact of inherited family pathologies. He advises the reopening of childhood trauma to heal old wounds; 

“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children.”

In his book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, author Terrance Real says “we don't teach the basic skills of relationship in this culture because we don't value it. We're supposed to just know how to do it and most long-term relationships crash and burn. The failure rate on marriage has  hovered at about 40-50% for half a century.”

Terry Real, pictured here, says “ you can have a superlative relationship if you're with a partner you love who is also in on the game and willing to do the work themselves. If both of you are willing to do that and you have the basic chemistry that drew you to each other to begin with,you can do it. But it's very rare that people have the discipline and the know-how to build it all.” Photo courtesy of Terrance Real at The Relational Life Institute

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Judith Orloff, UCLA clinical psychiatrist and author of The Genius of Empathy: Practical Skills to Heal Your Sensitive Self, Your Relationships, and the World, explains that empathy is what connects us. It’s the ability to care, to listen, and to open our hearts. The practice of empathy, Orloff says, is a simple yet “precious gift” and that displaying empathy is  the “best of who we are.” Orloff also says being empathetic is “a way we can save our world because empathy is the key element in reaching out to people, even if you disagree with them, even if you don't like them, it allows you to establish accord with them.”

In addition, Orloff says, “when you're open to empathy, all kinds of good things can happen to your body. There's something called the Mother Teresa effect, where it's been shown that if you witness an act of empathy, and I were to draw your blood, it would show that your immunity would go up immediately. And what that says to me is that just alone, watching empathy can increase our immunity and make us healthier.”

Zachary Wallmark, an associate professor of musicology and with the Center for Translational Neuroscience at the University of Oregon, talks about his research on the intersection of music and empathy. Wallmark has  observed, through magnetic imagining, how listening to music relates to social cognition and empathy. “Empathy,” Wallmark says, “produces a very distinctive neural signature in the brain when folks are listening to music. Empathy modulates music processing in areas of the brain that are associated with cognitive control, with social processing, with reward, and with emotion.” 

Through music, Wallmark says, we can “explore our own identity, learn about others, bond with others. So music can be useful in social cohesion, bonding, [and] it can help coordinate group activity. It can also demarcate social boundaries, who is like us and who is different from us.”

In her book The Genius of Empathy: Practical Skills to Heal Your Sensitive Self, Your Relationships, and the World, author Judith Orloff says  “If you're having difficulties with your relationships, just try this gift-- just to listen, with your eyes, with your voice, with your heart -  it's such a gift and it helps people feel seen and heard and valued, which is the point of empathy.” 

Judith Orloff, pictured here, says “in my life, the most important thing to me is connection, and love and understanding. That is what gives me the most meaning Whether it's with nature, with human beings, with animals - empathy allows us that opportunity to connect with our human kind and everything about this life that we've been given.”  Photo courtesy of Bob Riha

Zachery Wallmark, pictured here, says “music can create a kind of playground to try on, in a fantasy sense, different types of emotional reactions. You can be a different person, you can experience things that you're not experiencing in your … normal life." Photo by Kim Leeson.

Delve deeper into life, philosophy, and what makes us human by joining the Life Examined discussion group on Facebook.

This week, Katherine Morgan Schafler, author of The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, explores our relationship with the ideal of being a perfectionist. Morgan Schafler encourages greater self-awareness in managing perfectionism, saying it’s OK to be inspired without the expectation that we will ever achieve that goal. 

Katherine Morgan Schafler. Photo courtesy of Eric Michael Pearson

This episode of Life Examined with Katherine Morgan Schafler was originally broadcast May 26th, 2024

This week, Casper ter Kuile,  co-founder of Nearness, and author of “The Power of Ritual,” discusses the value of building community and coming together, and offers some practical advice for forging meaningful connections including the ability to shift away from some of our accustomed patterns of giving advice and instead offer our full attention, loving presence and just listen.   

Jonathan Bastian talks with writer, lecturer, and author Susan Cain about the sweet joy of sadness. Cain, author of Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, reflects on the touch of sweetness that comes from sadness and despair and shares how a greater acceptance of these emotions can be beneficial and even therapeutic. Delve deeper into life, philosophy, and what makes us human by joining the Life Examined discussion group on Facebook.

This week, Ryan Holiday, speaker and author of  “Discipline is Destiny: The Power of Self Control” shares some advice on the stoic virtue of self discipline.  Holiday says that in today’s world of abundance, self discipline and self imposed boundaries are fundamental to meeting our potential, achieving balance and leading a good life. 

Psychologist Katherine Morgan Schaflter talks about her book The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, the universal desire to seek perfection, and the need for greater self-awareness in managing perfectionism.

Pulitzer-prize winning author Viet Thanh Nguyen discusses his memoir “A Man of Two Faces: A Memoir, A History, A Memorial” and the challenges and pain he faced growing up a Vietnamese refugee.

This week, Gloria Mark , Professor at the University of California at Irvine and author of the book “Attention Span:A Groundbreaking Way to Restore Balance, Happiness and Productivity,” explains how much harder it has become to resist the urge to be distracted mostly because of the constant access to our our digital devices. Mark says we should be more cognizant of these types of distractions and suggests asking yourself before you next reach for your phone whether doing so will provide any value. 

Scott Galloway discusses his book "The Algebra of Wealth" and the growing disconnect between young people and their economic futures.

This week, Kieran Setyia, professor of philosophy at MIT and author of “Life Is Hard: How Philosophy Can Help Us Find Our Way” reflects on failure and suggests we push back on how we frame our lives through successes and failures, winners and losers. Doing so, Setyia says, doesn’t make us succeed more but allows “failure to take a different shape and have less centrality” in how we value our lives. 

KCRW Life Examined host Jonathan Bastian makes a guest appearance on KCRW’s How’s Your Sex Life, and talks about his insights on relationships, divorce and heartbreak. 

This week, Scott Galloway NYU professor, podcaster and author of “The Algebra of Wealth: A Simple Formula for Financial Security,” reflects on life’s blessings. Galloway says he’s grateful for the many successes in his life, which he attributes not to hard work but to the people, time and circumstances that made them possible.  His message to others who share his good fortune, "don't hoard wealth,” spend it on time and experiences with your friends and your family.

After years of working at the intersection of immigration and education, journalist Lauren Markham offers a different approach to writing about immigration that may lead to greater understanding. In her book A Map of Future Ruins: On Borders and Belonging, Markham talks about challenging narratives and stories, looking at our own history, and asking what it means to belong to a place.​

This week, renowned writer and author Michael Pollan on the new science of psychedelics. Pollan describes how new treatments using psilocybin can open pathways in our minds and when used with supervision, have been successful in treating depression, anxiety and addiction.

This week, psychology and education professor at Columbia University, Peter Coleman explains why in turbulent times at home and across the globe, Costa Rica remains peaceful and stable. In the aftermath of bloody conflicts, Coleman says, Costa Rica intentionally chose to stop war and designed their country around that vision.

Neil Mullarkey, comedian, actor, and author of In the Moment: Build your confidence, creativity, and communication at work, shares his journey into comedy and writing and how he recognized the power of comedy at an early age. He’s toured the world, working with well-known comedians like Mike Myers, with whom he founded the Comedy Store Players in London. Mullarckey found that the skills he learned in his improv classes translated well into leadership and management.

This week, Brad Stulberg writer and author of “The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path to Success that Feeds – Not Crushes – Your Soul” on behavioral action and why the best way to feel good and bring about a change in mood is to force ourselves to start or to get going, even if when we don’t feel like it.

Jennifer Chatman, Professor of Management at UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business, looks at the role of narcissism in leadership and why CEOs of corporations “are more likely to be narcissistic than the population at large, by about 6%.” Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and author of It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, provides the clinical definition of narcissism. She explains how those traits can be present in others and the harm and hurt they cause. “They're so grandiose, your simple piece of feedback can spin them out into a rage,” she says.

Paul Bloom, Professor of Psychology at the University of Toronto and the author of Psyche: The Story of the Human Mind, explores the history and controversial legacy surrounding the renowned 20th century Austrian neuroscientist Sigmund Freud. Modern psychotherapy has come a long way over the last century. Many of Freud’s bizarre theories on psychosexual development and the Oedipal complex have been debunked, yet Bloom points out that in the field of psychology, “there's no figure now [who’s] anything close to Freud, either in influence or in scope.”